Adoption After Infant Loss and Miscarriage

Adoption After Infant Loss and Miscarriage

One of the good things that has come from the depth of our suffering is that we were led to adoption. Adoption was one of those things that I supported, and I would even tell people that I wanted to adopt in the future. But I wasn’t seriously looking into it, and I always thought of it as something that would come after we were done having biological children. It was an afterthought at best. However, after experiencing a stillbirth and a miscarriage back to back, adoption seemed like the only way I would get another child since my body was so broken. My husband and I prayed hard and sought God’s will, and it seemed like God was telling us to pursue adoption full-force. Several of our friends and families did not agree; they thought we should wait at least a year after Hope’s death before making such a huge decision. There is wisdom in waiting, but there are many reasons that I’m glad we pursued adoption so soon after loss.

1. Adoption is VERY important to God. As Will and I began to search the Bible for passages about adoption, we realized that adoption is very close to God’s heart. There are so many verses telling God’s people to care for the orphan and the fatherless, to love the ones that the world has discarded. James 1:27 says this, “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.” Another encouraging verse is Psalm 68:3, which says, “God sets the lonely in families.” What was most convicting for me was to think about the story of the Gospel; Galatians 4:1-5 states, “But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.” Our hope as Christians comes from the fact that God adopts us into his family, giving us all the privileges that come with being children of God. Adopting a child on this earth is a living, breathing representation of the Gospel. How beautiful!

2. Pursuing adoption renewed my purpose and zeal for life. As I researched adoption and read about all the intricacies of the current adoption systems in America and abroad, I realized that I was feeling excited about something for the first time in months. As I found an organization to work with and began the home study process, I felt like I was working towards a tangible goal that didn’t require me to feel the constant anxiety that pregnancy now produced. As God helped us reach our fundraising goals incredibly quickly, it felt like He was encouraging us onward and paving the way for us. Those 4-5 months of research and hard work helped to draw me out of the depths of grief and allowed me to feel hope again. I am so grateful for that; I think without that outward focus, I would have turned inward and struggled with deep depression.

3. Adoption has taught me how to trust and wait. It has been almost 3 years since Will and I began the adoption process. After we initially became active, we waited for a year with no prospects. Around that year mark, I became pregnant with Sammy so we paused our adoption process for 9 months. Last February, our 9 months were complete, so we became active again. We have not received “the call” yet, but we are hopeful that God will lead the right birth mother to choose us soon. During that first year of waiting, I drove myself crazy by carrying my phone around with me all the time and waking up everyday expecting to get a phone call from the agency. After doing that for months and months, your mind and heart are exhausted and aching with unmet hopes and dreams. Every day, I had to bring my desires before the throne of God and leave them at His feet. And let me tell you, I hated every minute of it. I wanted to control the situation and make it happen NOW! But God showed me over and over that I was going to have to wait, whether I liked it or not. Now I understand that God wanted to bring Sammy into our lives first before the adoption. 

But now, as we have been waiting about 6 months since reactivating, I can feel that familiar ache in my soul. I can hear the doubts creeping in, wondering if any birth mother will like me and if we will ever get to adopt. My brain wonders if I made a mistake, if I chose the wrong agency, if I’m just not good enough. And over and over again, I have to remind myself that God’s plan is the best plan. His timing will be the best timing. And even if we aren’t chosen, even if I lose my money, even if it doesn’t happen like I envisioned, this journey and this process have not been for nothing. God has done amazing things and is doing amazing things in our lives, We had our eyes opened to the need and the beauty of adoption, and we will not give up on that calling. We have grown in our ability to trust the Lord and wait on His timing – we have learned to give up control.

If you have ever considered pursuing adoption, please pray about it and ask God to show you if you are called to care for these children. There are so many wonderful options whether its international, domestic (like us), or foster to adopt. The journey can be arduous and overwhelming, but those who have adopted tell me that it is a small price to pay for the joy of parenting these beautiful children. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for our family, and I pray that He brings us to the little one He has chosen for us very soon. If you or anyone you know is facing an unplanned pregnancy or can no longer parent their child, please contact me at lauren.young51715@gmail.com. We are ready and willing to help and would love to talk more.

Lauren Young is a wife to Will and mom to two beautiful boys on earth (Matti and Sammy) and three precious babies in heaven (Hope, Jonah, and January).  She is a stay-at-home mom who enjoys writing, reading good books, cooking new recipes, and playing piano.  She lives in central Texas now but was born and raised in Georgia.  She and her husband are now in the adoption process and can't wait to see what God has in store for their family.  

Catherine Hartel

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