When I was 36.5 weeks pregnant with my daughter Hope, I walked into the Labor and Delivery ward of the hospital shaking in terror. My eyes were puffy from crying as I told the nurse that I hadn’t felt my baby move that morning, and I just had a feeling that something was very wrong. After several minutes of searching for a heartbeat, a doctor looked me in the eyes and said, “I’m so sorry.” The first thing that came out of my mouth was, “What happened?” I screamed that phrase over and over at the doctors, at the sky, and at God.
For months after her death, I googled information about stillbirth, trying to find the smallest glimpse of an answer. I asked for more tests. I met with a geneticist. Then one day, I ran out of options. I realized that I was not ever going to know what happened to my daughter on this side of heaven. And that realization shook me to my core because I thought I would never have closure. If my daughter had to die, then the least that God could do would be to give me an answer and let me find peace.
But God had a different plan. He led me to a verse in Proverbs that I had known all my life, but this time, it was like I was reading it with fresh eyes. Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” I realized that I had been viewing the answers about my daughter’s death as the key to my ability to heal. I thought that my heart could not possibly make any headway in grief without some form of closure. This verse showed me that I was leaning on my own understanding, and it was utterly failing me. I slowly began to see that I could trust God with the reason for my daughter’s death. He knew what had happened to her even if I didn’t. He had a purpose for her death and my pain, even if I did not understand it. He loved her more than I could ever imagine, and He was carrying me through the storm of grief. I trusted God with my pain and told Him, “It’s ok if I never get an answer. I trust that You are taking good care of her now.”
It’s been almost 3 years since Hope passed away. There are still moments when I wish I knew what had happened to her, but for the most part, God has given me the peace I so desperately desired. He walked with me through the terrible road of grief and led me to the other side. Of course, I still wish she was here with me, but I have learned how to live with part of my heart in heaven. And I wholeheartedly believe that if you trust Him with your pain and your unknowns, He will bring you peace as well.
Lauren Young is a wife to Will and mom to two beautiful boys on earth (Matti and Sammy) and three precious babies in heaven (Hope, Jonah, and January). She is a stay-at-home mom who enjoys writing, reading good books, cooking new recipes, and playing piano. She lives in central Texas now but was born and raised in Georgia. She and her husband are now in the adoption process and can't wait to see what God has in store for their family.