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Tears of a Father (written by Trevor Robason)

Tears of a Father (written by Trevor Robason)

There is a truth in this world that seems so quite simple that it feels like it need not even be mentioned, but sadly the act of not mentioning it has made it become forgotten. This truth is that there is a father behind every pregnancy, and thus, there is a grieving father behind every loss.

Mothers of lost pregnancies and miscarriages get most of the attention in their distress and rightly so. They are the ones that carried the baby in their bodies; and they are the ones that got the first inclination of the horrible fact that something was terribly wrong. They are also the first to feel the emotional aftershocks of losing the child. However, having said that, by the time the effects of the loss hit the father, enough time had passed that there is nothing left to help them.

Despite what many would have you think, emotion is a human trait, not strictly a female one. By way of an analogy. If emotion were water, Ladies would be a beautiful alpine lake with many streams running off the mountain to congregate in one main lake at the end. Typically, visible, and beautiful; though often there may be hidden water features that maybe only close friends or the husband know about. It can also, if not maintained create things like landslides, and other dangerous features in a landscape. This is the nature of water, or in this case, emotion.

Men have the exact same amount of water as Ladies do. But it is not displayed on the beautiful vista. In fact, it is not displayed at all. Men are like a prairie on the outside, short on water and long on endurance. How can both these facts be true? The exact same amount of water on a dry prairie as a mountain lake? Because the prairie’s water lies underground in a deep aquifer. It is deep underground, and it takes a special skill set to access. But when death occurs in our lives, it is like an earthquake that creates a geyser of water shooting into the landscape that no one saw coming.

The point of this analogy is yes; men have emotions too. It's just that theirs runs deep in their souls and only surfaces when forced, or when properly accessed.”

You see, fathers have the same dreams of children in the yard playing, helping to raise them up to be the next generation, and showing them our work and lives. Fathers dream of one day walking their baby girl down the aisle. These dreams are dashed on the rock of reality when the unthinkable happens and a pregnancy is lost and thus a baby is lost.

We do our best to take care of our wives and care for their needs - often at the cost of our own! That is what heroes are supposed to do; and ever man would love to be a hero in his own home. However, when ignored, the father’s needs for mourning and grief can have tragic consequences. Many become alcoholics, become obsessed with the latest gun or car magazine, delve deep into video games, or heaven forbid… find another woman who seems to care for their emotions better than their distressed wife can at the time.

Husbands need their wives in times of loss just as much as their wives need them. It takes a long time for both to find their ways to heal. Husbands, don't check out on your wives, I get it that it can be hard to communicate what you are feeling. I have found that letters help, texts help, even just the recognition that I do not feel anything right now. Because you will feel the hurt, and you

will feel the loss, and it will make you want to find ways to retreat to yourself. Hold your ground, and stay present, positive, and truthful with your spouse.

  

Trevor and Josie first met each other in college and slowly became friends before deciding to pursue a relationship. One and a half years after they started dating, they got married. Sadly, they experienced their first miscarriage just a few short months after the wedding. Since then, they have been walking the path of recurrent pregnancy loss. It has been a difficult path for them as it has stretched and nearly broken them; but it has been through God’s grace and strength that they have continued to put one foot in front of the other. Apart from their journey of recurrent pregnancy loss, they enjoy hiking, camping, archery hunting, and have an overall love for the outdoors.

In her grief, Josie started drawing as she processed the pain and heartache of the miscarriages and has just recently opened a drawing shop on Etsy. https://www.etsy.com/shop/PrairieRoseDrawing?ref=seller-platform-mcnav https://www.instagram.com/prairierosedrawing/

You can also follow along Trevor and Josie’s story as they hope and pray for a rainbow baby at

https://www.instagram.com/unseenmother/

cover image pc: Tom Pumford @tompumford

 

Lisa Giordano

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