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Unseen Mother - Coping with Recurring Pregnancy Loss (written by Josephine Robason)

Unseen Mother - Coping with Recurring Pregnancy Loss (written by Josephine Robason)

“Read Isaiah 40, the whole chapter. It has slowly become my mantra as I’ve gone through the hardships in life. During my periods of pain, I read and mediate on the words.”

               She had no idea how much I would cling to those words in the coming years. She had no idea that I would go home and study that chapter in the bible for hours, or that I spent morning after morning working on memorizing the chapter, or how Isaiah 40 showed up outside of my personal devotions almost on a weekly basis for the next year. She had no idea, but God did.

               The words in Isaiah 40 started carrying me through life. There have been times that I have forgotten it, but God always leads me back to my favorite passage.

               Flash forward a few years, It was a month and a half after my husband and I got married and I had just found out that I was pregnant. I scarcely had a chance to rejoice as only a few days later I started bleeding and I knew inside me that the baby was gone. My baby was gone. I was told that it was just bad luck and that I shouldn’t have tested so early – that way the pain would have been spared.

               I mustered up the courage and went to work the next day and shoved the pain I was feeling deep inside me. The next month my husband and I decided that we should go ahead and try for a baby again. I could scarcely believe it when I saw those two pink lines. I convinced myself that my first early miscarriage was a fluke and that it wouldn’t happen again.

               Days went by and days turned into weeks. I was getting more and more excited as I started planning a future with our little one. I had plans for how we were going to tell our parents, I started pinning nursery ideas on Pinterest, and I fell more and more in love with the baby growing inside of me. I wasn’t even fearful of having another miscarriage because ‘that already happened to me, so there’s no way it could happen again.’

               That all ended when I woke up one morning to light cramps. The pain grew worse as the day wore on and by late afternoon, I had blacked out several times from trying to stand up. So, I laid in bed until my husband got home from work and he could take me to the emergency room.

               There was nothing they could do. My baby was too little to save. So, after several hours of tests and ultrasounds I was sent home with paperwork that said, “threatened miscarriage.” I was told to make an appointment the following week with my OB. My mom took me to my appointment the next week and there in the OB’s office bathroom I started having waves of intense pain again and I passed my baby that had once been alive inside of me.

               As much as I wished that I could say that I leaned heavily into my husband for support, I did not. After our second miscarriage he became aloof and withdrawn from me. Unbeknownst to me at that time, he had fallen back into past addictions as he was triggered from the pain of the miscarriages and watching me grieve them.

               I fell into what felt like a pit of darkness. It was a darkness that I had never known in my entire life. I felt empty and alone. My body was a wreck as my hormones became shaken and messy from being pregnant and then suddenly not being pregnant. My husband was distant and uncaring, and I felt further from God than I had ever felt.

               I didn’t know it then, but God sent someone to save me; someone who had walked a similar path and that I had known my entire life… God sent her to me. She came up to me one day and asked me over for coffee the next day. She then proceeded to tell me that I should come over every Monday, have coffee, and just do life with her. I was anxious about it, but I accepted the offer. Thus, began a budding relationship that continues to this day.

               This gal taught me and showed me how to heal and to find God’s peace once again. You see, she brought me to Philippians 4:8-9

               “8Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. 9The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

               She showed me that this was one of the rare times that we receive a direct formula from God. Do this and you will receive this. Going back to the original Greek and Hebrew language, the word “whatever” means “all encompassing.” This gal focused on the part – whatever is true.

               So what is true here?

It’s true that my baby died.

It’s true that I had now had several babies die.

It’s true that it’s painful and it hurts.

It’s true that God was taking care of me. -Isaiah 41:10

It’s true that God causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him. -Romans 8:28

It’s true that God will never leave nor forsake me. -Hebrews 13:5

It’s true that God is almighty, and His strength and His power know no end. -Isaiah 40

               I could go on, but I think my point is made. She told me to focus on the truth and to sit in it. I couldn’t just shove the pain down deep inside and forget about it; I had to see my pain for what it was, but also see God’s love for what it was and is.

I was reminded of Isaiah 40, the passage that I once held so dearly to. The passage that spoke life back into me as it taught me about God’s amazing power, knowledge, and love.

28Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. 29He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. 30Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, 31Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.”

For days and even weeks afterwards, I sat in truth. Every morning I got up, I remembered the life that was once inside of me, I cried, and then I turned my heart to God and poured His truth all around me. The more truth I poured and sat it, the more I wanted; and slowly, I started feeling God’s peace surround me.

That’s not to say that I don’t still struggle. Just two months ago my brother and his wife announced that they are pregnant with their second child, and it felt like a punch right in the gut. It’s not to say that I don’t have any triggers anymore. I can still be triggered when I run into a pregnant mom at the store, or someone asks me when we are going to grow our family. I sometimes still must steer myself away from the baby section with tears in my eyes. However, I know what to do when that happens. I know how to find my peace when my heart feels shattered once again. Overtime, the triggers do come less and less, but my babies in heaven will always be a part of my life and my story.

Since the beginning of our journey, my husband and I have had a total of eight miscarriages. It’s been a roller coaster the last several years as we have walked the path of recurrent pregnancy loss and healed the hurt from a marriage that was almost broke from addiction. We’ve had friends leave, we’ve watched as support drops off with each consecutive miscarriage, we’ve been told so many “at least” statements, we’ve seen the pity and uncomfortableness in people’s eyes; but you know what? God has also brought some AMAZING people into our lives. After our fourth miscarriage I joined an online community of other women walking the path of infertility. I hate that we are all in this club together, but there is so much love and support to be found. God has also brought many amazing women into my life to minister to me. Through it all, God has been there loving me and helping me with each step that I take. My prayer remains that though I walk this journey, God’s light shines through and that with every step I take I point to His glory and His glory alone.

 

 Trevor and Josie first met each other in college and slowly became friends before deciding to pursue a relationship. One and a half years after they started dating, they got married. Sadly, they experienced their first miscarriage just a few short months after the wedding. Since then, they have been walking the path of recurrent pregnancy loss. It has been a difficult path for them as it has stretched and nearly broken them; but it has been through God’s grace and strength that they have continued to put one foot in front of the other. Apart from their journey of recurrent pregnancy loss, they enjoy hiking, camping, archery hunting, and have an overall love for the outdoors.

In her grief, Josie started drawing as she processed the pain and heartache of the miscarriages and has just recently opened a drawing shop on Etsy. https://www.etsy.com/shop/PrairieRoseDrawing?ref=seller-platform-mcnav https://www.instagram.com/prairierosedrawing/

You can also follow along Trevor and Josie’s story as they hope and pray for a rainbow baby at

https://www.instagram.com/unseenmother/

cover image pc: Tom Pumford @tompumford

 

Lisa Giordano

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