Why is Death Required of an Innocent Life?
(written by Lexi Kinsey)
My name is Lexi and I am a proud mama to three babes. Grayson, Aurelia, and Aurora. My son, my firstborn Grayson is not here with me… he is held by God in perfect form in heaven. I rejoice in this reality daily; I also mourn each moment that I do not carry him myself. Grayson was born November 2015. After we delivered him, the medical staff discovered a serious heart defect. He was airlifted to LA for surgery. After two procedures through the night, Grayson died. His heart wasn’t strong enough. Our hearts were shattered. In an instant… my world was gone. I couldn’t believe what had happened, not 24 hours earlier he was kicking in my belly, and now he lay lifeless.
I had to have an emergency c-section, so I couldn’t be transported. It was days before I got to see and hold his still and lifeless body. As I anticipated that moment, I was so unsure. I had a million questions for God. Why would he allow me to carry this precious boy only to take him hours after birth? Why is death required of such an “innocent” life? Was this a consequence of something I had done? Am I meant to be a mother?
But when I walked in to hold Grayson, my heart soared. I saw this beautiful creation from God and some of my questions began to have answers. I realized God is sovereign, He is trustworthy, He is faithful. Because of that I knew at least, not why he allowed me to have Grayson, but that He did plan it, He did ordain it, and He did sovereignly work in it. Grayson’s life holds purpose. And therefore, so does my motherhood over Grayson. That is a position God granted to me.
As the days continued, we planned his funeral. We saw many friends have babies born. The holidays passed. I leaned more and more into the comfort of God. I rested in knowing that He is sovereign, and that He would work this for His glory because He is good. God drove us to our knees in prayer, He brought forth scripture to comfort our hearts. The family and church we were surrounded by didn’t fade, they stepped up and built us up in Truth during this trial. God ordained it all, it was clear.
God was kind to me and withheld anger and blame from my heart. He instead granted me grace and mercy and so much comfort that I didn’t want to run anywhere else. He laid out a path that proved my faith. He has given me confidence in my faith, that even through trials and testing it will hold fast because of God’s grace.
My husband and I now needed to figure out how to live life without our child. Practically not much had changed, after all, it was all about to change when we would have brought Grayson home. My husband returned to work and I was a stay at home mom with no child to care for. I wasn’t going back to work only to quit again when we had a second child. I decided instead to devote my time to serving. Serving in the church and to serving other families who had suffered child loss. Not only was He orchestrating the growth in my life, but He was using me as a tool to serve His kingdom.
I don’t know how families without God navigate losing a child. The only way I was, and continue to be, able to live life with any joy is because of the promises of God. He has shown us through His Word, that Grayson is safe in heaven. He has shown us that Grayson was spared from this sinful world and invited straight into glory. It is because of that, that I can go on living with joy. While pregnant with Grayson, my most fervent prayer was not for his health and safety, but for him to come to know and love God. God graciously granted that prayer.
I delivered Aurelia in February of 2017… just 14 months after losing Grayson, and Aurora in December of 2018. Being their mother has brought new challenges. I have seen more than ever how to balance a life of mourning with a life of vibrant joy and gratitude. I have learned that those emotions are not mutually exclusive.
Let it always be my prayer “Command what you will, but grant what you command”, first prayed by Augustine.
Lexi is wife to Cameron and mom to three babies: Grayson in heaven and daughters Aurelia and Aurora in her arms. She is a stay at home mom who enjoys serving at church, reading, writing, indoor plants, and chasing after her littles. She has lived in Southern California her whole life. She and her husband love taking the girls on adventures camping, to Disneyland, and back home to Cameron's families in Texas and Kentucky. Lexi also has a ministry called Grayce and Kindness, you can see more on her website (http://grayceandkindness.com/).