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I polled loss moms on Instagram and asked them this question: “Tell us what you should NEVER say to a loss mom”.  One of the most common responses was starting any sentence with “at least". Here are some of their responses in no particular order:

You’re dramatic about everything and I’m just not. Sorry I had a healthy pregnancy and you didn’t

 Any statement that starts with “at least” …….

 Everything happens for a reason, or you can always try again

Since the beginning of our journey, my husband and I have had a total of eight miscarriages. It’s been a roller coaster the last several years as we have walked the path of recurrent pregnancy loss and healed the hurt from a marriage that was almost broke from addiction. We’ve had friends leave, we’ve watched as support drops off with each consecutive miscarriage, we’ve been told so many “at least” statements, we’ve seen the pity and uncomfortableness in people’s eyes; but you know what? God has also brought some AMAZING people into our lives. After our fourth miscarriage I joined an online community of other women walking the path of infertility. I hate that we are all in this club together, but there is so much love and support to be found. God has also brought many amazing women into my life to minister to me. Through it all, God has been there loving me and helping me with each step that I take. My prayer remains that though I walk this journey, God’s light shines through and that with every step I take I point to His glory and His glory alone.

There is a truth in this world that seems so quite simple that it feels like it need not even be mentioned, but sadly the act of not mentioning it has made it become forgotten. This truth is that there is a father behind every pregnancy, and thus, there is a grieving father behind every loss.

Mothers of lost pregnancies and miscarriages get most of the attention in their distress and rightly so. They are the ones that carried the baby in their bodies; and they are the ones that got the first inclination of the horrible fact that something was terribly wrong. They are also the first to feel the emotional aftershocks of losing the child. However, having said that, by the time the effects of the loss hit the father, enough time had passed that there is nothing left to help them.

Despite what many would have you think, emotion is a human trait, not strictly a female one...

Why? Why us and not them? Why them and not us? Why is life so incredibly unfair at times? Why, when all around me I see women having healthy babies, do we have to walk through a story of loss… again?  The first time, I didn’t have so many questions… now let the questions roll.   And as my heart has shouted and whispered those questions, I haven’t been able to shake all the recent stories I’ve heard that have only lifted my eyes to the fact that I do not live in a world of fairness…

Life is absolutely unfair.

And there are times and seasons where we are faced with the reality of it’s unfairness.   For my family, friends and for us, this is one of those times.   Where it’s not just in a story I’ve read on the news and my heart has broken just a little and then moved on but it’s in the story unfolding in our lives and the heartache pouring from our hearts as we cry out… This is so unfair!!   But the past few weeks I’ve been reminded that we are not the only ones who have experienced the unfairness of life, the sheer seemingly “randomness” of tragedy and pain. Most of the world knows that life can be so unfair. And there is one… who suffered the greatest unfairness of it all. And when I wonder…

Is there a perfect gift when a friend has lost a baby? The perfect gift is love and support. You can show your love and support in many different ways, it does not always involve something you buy. However, if you decide to buy a gift, here are some considerations:.

1. The fact that you are thoughtful enough to purchase a loss gift means you are on the right track. The most hurtful thing for a loss mom is when people who care about her do not acknowledge the death of her baby and avoid talking about it.

2. Loss Mom's fear that the memory of their baby will be forgotten.  Giving them a remembrance item is a loving way to acknowledge the baby and help keep their memory alive. 

3. Choosing a gift can be overwhelming. Don’t worry, choose something that you would like to receive if you were going through the same pain. What makes the gift perfect is that you are thoughtful enough to honor the baby lost and in doing so you are loving the loss family.

“I feel oddly more alive than I’d ever been in my life.  The scars on my battered soul no longer appear to me as random slashes but suddenly transfigured into engravings of unexpected praise and thanksgiving.” Beth Moore wrote this in a devotional I’ve been walking through and as I read it I sensed “This is what the Lord is beginning to do in my heart!”

Though my heart still hurts, the sadness is still there and the tears still come… somewhere in the last couple of weeks the weight of the sorrow is not so heavy.  There is a lightness to my spirit, a lightness to the tears.

A sweet reminder in this journey that our great God is the Great Restorer.  The Great Redeemer.   Everything that is broken, He is in the business of redeeming.  everything.