How can I really enjoy my living children when one of my children is no longer with me? This is a question that seems to torment so many loss moms. There is so much heart break in mom’s hearts trying to carry on with life after a loss and what that looks like with their living children. Some mom’s fear that if they enjoy their living children it will discount the life of the little one they lost. I want to encourage you, this is not so. Your child will never be forgotten and you play a big part in keeping their memory alive especially with your living children. I realize some moms are hurting so much they feel depressed and not able to parent they way they would under normal circumstances. I want to encourage you too, all your children are a gift even if they were only with you a short time. Parenting your living children and enjoying them is part of the healing process for you and it does not mean you are forgetting your heavenly children.
Lexi understands the roller coaster of emotions of losing a baby and parenting living children. She describes Grayson (her son who only lived 12 hours) as woven into the fabric of their family and life and he remains a very real part of their family even though he is no longer with them. Here is a snippet of Lexi as a Mom this Fall season as she enjoys her girls and includes Grayson in it all. I pray this will be an encouragement to you.
As I anticipated my son’s first birthday, I knew also I would face, the next day, the anniversary of his death. I needed to prepare my mind and heart to lean entirely into the strength of God for that day. God revealed His idea to me… call it a birthday and celebrate. After all, our birthdays are not the day we are created… but the day we are born. The day we enter earth from our mother’s wombs. Likewise, a “Heavenly Birthday” is the day we enter heaven from earth. Our souls depart our bodies and are instantly before God in heaven. This indeed is something to celebrate and for sure something to have a slice of cake over!
This shift in focus was just what I needed. I needed to stop focusing on Grayson’s death and begin focusing on his life in Christ! He is alive! This is why I AM his mother (present tense) – he is perhaps dead in body from this earth, but his soul - it is with God! Now, this shift doesn’t mean that this day comes with ease every year… quite the contrary. I still dread it and still cry rivers, but when I am full of sadness – God has revealed His work to me and has given me grace to understand that this earth is not my home, and it is on heaven that I must shift my gaze!
I had to have an emergency c-section, so I couldn’t be transported. It was days before I got to see and hold his still and lifeless body. As I anticipated that moment, I was so unsure. I had a million questions for God. Why would he allow me to carry this precious boy only to take him hours after birth? Why is death required of such an “innocent” life? Was this a consequence of something I had done? Am I meant to be a mother?
But when I walked in to hold Grayson, my heart soared. I saw this beautiful creation from God and some of my questions began to have answers. I realized God is sovereign, He is trustworthy, He is faithful. Because of that I knew at least, not why he allowed me to have Grayson, but that He did plan it, He did ordain it, and He did sovereignly work in it. Grayson’s life holds purpose. And therefore, so does my motherhood over Grayson. That is a position God granted to me.
My heart’s desire in owning this little shop A Beautiful Remembrance is to bring some comfort to hurting mamas (& their families). Even if you have not visited my shop before I would love to pray for you. I know that some days are so hard to get through that it feels like too much to bear. I know that some days you feel like you can hardly function. I know that some days you act “as if” you are doing fine but you are dying inside. I know somedays you are simply numb. I know some days you are angry and can’t make sense of anything. When you are having those days can I pray for you? I really mean it. Please reach out to me through Instagram or Facebook or send me an e-mail. I would love to pray for you. You don’t have to give me details but you can if you want to. You can just say “Lisa, can you please pray for me today?” or you can pour your heart out if you want to.
My dear friend Lauren wrote this blog and today as this is posted would have been her dear Hope Zoe's 4th birthday. Happy Birthday Hope Zoe. Please read on ....
A Sad Birthday Party
How do you throw a birthday party for a dead person? Seems like a morbid question, but nonetheless, it is the question that has been forefront in my mind over the last few weeks. My daughter’s birthday is coming up on May 17, but because she was stillborn, that day is also her official death day. No one tells you that there is no category for such things in your brain; it’s very difficult to process and cope with the fact that the only significant date you have for your daughter is fraught with the worst memories imaginable. I want to celebrate her with our friends and family, but how do you celebrate someone that most of them never knew or even glimpsed? I want to have a birthday party, but it won’t necessarily be a happy one. How do you invite people to such an event?